drops of thoughts...

Sunday, October 31, 2004

nissan altima nights

queen of the autumn -- raked away to the edge of the street

my heart is bare and ruptured by the blistering wind...

"we have fun together"... his hand out the window -- he drives...

i cry
(he tells me i'm pretty when i cry)

trick or treat?.... how about both on this sunny, but gray halloween?

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Pensacola, Fl... aaron, looking drunk. my sassy roommate, me and my HOT boyfriend.... Peg Leg Pete's, being gluttons..  Posted by Hello


he kissed me, my eyes closed a little too tight --
the rain,
(a soft rain)
picked up--and tiny, muted tinks splashed against the windshield everywhere.
his breath and the rain -- a perfect combination

his steady breathing
and random pitter patters
harmonizing beautifully --
making my heart swoon.

the music...
him & rain
accompanied by me, my breathing

light, splashed in his face from the occasional, unobtrusive car, accented my heart's crescendo..

he sang to me -- silently
i, too, sing -- joyously.

good night, rain clouds...

Friday, October 29, 2004

one thing more...

i adore showering with almost unmanageable hot water after everyone's gone to bed -- it makes me feel like they're missing out on something fantastic. only i am in on a delicious, red-faced, foggy-mirrored secret -- and i am.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

letters gone unsent...

it's a sad-violin night. where disappointments lurk in the most unsuspecting places, but somehow i retard the tears that are flooding my eyelids. where the muscles in my throat ache from swallowing my sorrow back to the pit of my stomach. where my light, 3 and half hours away, flickers with the wind. somehow, with words shared over the phone, he stepped on my already wounded heart -- he apologized, but i'm too stubborn to let it go. and in the midst, i broke his already forlorn heart -- i apologized, but i'm too stubborn to let it go.

and so it is, i go to bed bleeding
with regret leaking from my nose
and pain streaming down my cheeks...

(alone again, usually)

Wednesday, October 27, 2004


i walked out the front doors of the library tonight -- after a fruitful two hours of work.. there was a slight mist. it reminded me of simple pleasures -- all within a few seconds each kiss of dainty rain reminded me... reminded me to breathe. it inspired this night to be a spin-around-in-the-rain night. and so i did (not in plain sight of course, i wanted this to be all mine.) i inhaled deeply, invigorating my senses, refreshed -- thousands of tiny, delicate water drops invaded my lungs -- they danced in and around my entire body. an eeire but romantic orange light flooded the almost wet sidewalk, my almost wet skin. a black sky floated above -- my heart was nearly there, so close. and among all this -- i (alone) skipped across the campus -- intimate with the night, the mist and myself. i like being reminded of things that are good.
but -- my hand went unheld. i wanted his arm hairs to glisten with the feather water...
instead -- away from me in a goliath city...

he reminds me of things that are good.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

power outages and wet toes.

all the lights went off on campus tonight. all. save the emergency lights. the stars shifted their weight and assumed the responsibilty that they've been robbed by electricity. it was sort of nice. but to be honest, i didn't have that much time to notice. i was concerned with looting. (i really wanted to break into our student lounge and steal some food) aaron, paco, jim and bryce were concentrating on murdering, raping and pillaging -- none of these things happened of course, we just walked around with flash lights and those push lights shaped like stars. paco drove up and down the main stretch of our campus -- on the sidewalk. so that was interesting. power stayed off for about 2 hours. it was a nice break. we watched out our window -- saw a lot of disorganized people with pulsating flashes of light. night makes people do crazy things -- pure night is even better.
i'm recovering from the graveyard, half way through the first harry potter and missing my boyfriend. this was the first weekend in a long time that i didn't see him -- pathetic, huh? not so pathetic -- esp if you knew me. i'm a sap.
power outages are going to be fun when i'm married.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

try this on for size

You are Marilyn Monroe!
You're Marilyn Monroe!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

orbs and graves.

last night was the night of nights. a night to remember, a night to love.
my car, good ole' 93 Buick Gran Regal Sport (white) is a trusty car. 206,000 miles or so, good condition, red leather interior... THUNDER (that's her name)is equipped with a sturdy black bra - to hold up her headlights, of course. i love this car.
~another precursor~
heather and i saw paco and aaron at movie gallery - one of sixty billion movie stores in huntington. they convinced us to follow them out to the country and scare ourselves because there was an old insane asylum... ghosts, i say, ghosts. and it is the witching month. so we go, but alas! the whole operation was a no-go. so, the last thing aaron said to me was "go step on some graves". i didn't do that exactly.
heather and i went to the MCA to see what was up with our friends. anna was the only one not busy. we mentioned something about graveyards and scary times -- and it seemed to be appealing... to the three of us. hey, we like adventure, it's true.
~cold creek cemetary~
andy and i went to this country cemetary once. it scared me then, so i figured it'd be a great halloween blast. we went. we were driving around the old, tree fringed graveyard, when off in the distance i see grave stones all alone. i thought they were creepy, plus they were right up against the woods -- and a key thing to note about me, i hate woods at night time. heather decides to tell me to go that way. we do.
~the bump~
i'm crawling along, because who goes fast in cemetaries late at night? i turn a corner, hit something and all hell breaks loose, or at least my tire. at first we don't know what's going on. i thought my transmission was out because i couldn't go foward, or backwards and when i went to put ole' Thunder in park, the most awful noise was emitted. like a grinding or a chewing or something more awful.
~the panic~
i reach for my cell fone in my new hand bag i got this weekend, good thing it has a special place just for phones, and hold 3 on my speed dial "aaron senter". he answers and my heart is bumping, all the while heather and anna are trying to calm me down. i beg him to come and get us because we're stranded -- in a grave yard of all places. he thought it was a trick, so i swore on my life i was serious.
~my dear friends~
heather and anna are brave -- they get my handy dandy flashlight (thanks to my papa i have a flash light and an emergency blanket in my car) and check around outside. they don't see anything peculiar and they look at what caused the bump. it was a rock that stuck out of the ground like maybe 2 inches. i don't understand how it caused as much damage as it did. they get back in the car and tell me it's not so bad and they honestly don't think anything is wrong wiht the car. that freaks me out. i just figure we tapped into the gate of hell and my noble car just couldn't go any further. aaron is on his way -- this is my hope.
~my courage is tested~
finally, i shove the car in park -- get out myself, with them of course, and check transmission fluid (low, but okay) and then the tires (not good). the passenger side front tire rod has become dislocated from my car completely. remember, we are next to the woods in a night time cold creek cemetary... yeah. freaky. since we were so far back, my awesome friends decided we should walk out to make sure aaron and paco know we aren't tricking them. this is not a good idea to me, but seems logical. logical until i decided i was going to die. we were walking, arms linked and flashlight just a'blaring. i think i hear noises behind me, so i panic. then i see orbs flying around next to us, then i panic (the orbs end up being reflections off the gravestones from my flashlight).. heather and anna get a little rough with me as in forcing me to breathe and to calm down. if they didn't, i might have passed out. i hate woods (which are now behind us) and we're in a cemetary.
~heros in a chevy~
paco and aaron pull up with 2 more boys.. we explain it is no trick, they take us home. and much to their disappointment, we didn't try to murder them.

so, my beloved car is now successfully towed ($50 and the scare of a lifetime later) to Kipp's here in town... and i'm awaiting the $700 estimate. we just wanted to have some fun that didn't cost us any money. too bad, huh? plus, everyone now knows how big of a wuss i am.

Friday, October 22, 2004

and then the night no one liked...

there are few important things in life. tonight i discovered another. driving fast in my car under a lonesome sky -- i get burdened with the perceived importance of so many things.

i almost feel like most of my life has been a pretense. what is real and who am i really? am i a bundle of social restraints and influences? probably. curious as to if i really love people. im a collection of flesh, blood, bones and disappointments -- self justified, self centered and down right pompous. not big hooped earrings and pointy toed, high heeled boots -- but who's to say i'm better? me, i guess. i'm self appointed. i'm a salvation army sweater wearing bigot. a chauvinist of sorts. you can't really love people without loving everyone -- yes, erica, even those girls you sometimes hate. (that's right,i said hate) and those football playing jerks who hog the entire campus walkway... and so they don't sift into my form of a "real" person -- but here i am. plain and simple. never have i been better then the worst of us. but i serve myself up as some sort of saint. what the hell kind of thing is that to do?

there are few important things in life. and i usually rush past most of them. by accident, i stumble across the serenity of knowing what IS the point of living -- but then, i mostly do that out of selfish motives. my life is a pile of cognitive discord that i somehow mask with my awesome ability to justify. how is this? i don't know. my motives are tainted, my life is not even real, and everything i have is not mine -- but my gait suggests accomplished -- that's bullshit, really. accomplished as in good grades? accomplished as in product of broken home and still standing? accomplished as in the right number of friends? accomplished as in my major being so humble... accomplished as in a "christian lifestyle with good values"? i don't even know what accomplished means -- it isn't one of those important things... being accomplished. what is that anyways? and i don't even know if i have values and frankly, my definition of being a christian is vague anyways. the point of my life is to love people, and i'm doing a great job in fucking that one up. oh geez, i just cursed in the sentence trying to explain my christianity -- that has to be some sort of heresy -- we should consult the board of trustees.

and so at 218 am, i think about my life -- and how i don't even know who i am. i know i'm trying -- trying to love and not be selfish -- trying to focus on others... i don't know if it's working. i have andy. our hearts help each other -- and that's one of those important things.... i'm not feeling good. i hate introspection -- this is what i come up with.

give me an open road, my car and a lonesome night -- selfless love. let me figure this one out. in the mean time, i'll do the humanity thing.

(okay, so maybe i'm a little mad - sorry about the f word earlier...
and i honestly try...)

Thursday, October 21, 2004

the powers that be are falling apart... read this... comment, email my friend jake, buzz about it -- and just be mad.

old cds and battle of the thermostats

here it is -- thrusday. i'm alone in the suite on thursdays. anna and heather have aesthetics, who in the world knows where everyone else is.. i think lynsi is designing her webpage and nicole, no one can keep tabs on her. (free spirit). so, i'm forced to put in a mix i made my senior year in high school called "the classics"... patsy cline romantically fills the air between my room and the next. (i'm on anna's mac -- don't tell. i just love the dainty click and tip of the typing). there's something about patsy followed by elton on a warmer than average, gray autumn day.
it has been cold. and right now, it's not. except everywhere on campus has the heat cranked, because, well, it's been cold. but now, it'sn ot. and i've been sweating all day. that's no good. it bothers me really. i couldn't take off my green sweater, because my brown t-shirt shows sweat (under my arms) - and thus, more sweating. bad cycle. vicious even.

besides being extremely disappointed with my school, this day has been okay. not a trivial okay... a for real and relaxed okay. that makes me glad. roy orbison now. i think i'll end with that --

is she walking back to me?

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

pish posh

i'm smiling today, in my pink sweater. the sky isn't extravagantly blue -- it isn't even blue. it's gray -- and plain. all the leaves are falling off the trees, but there are still a few clinging tight to the branches. the yellow puff out this window that once was is baring the branches more and more -- but still, this day, i smile.
i got a new toothbrush last night. i love it. two times i have used it -- and two times i have fallen in love. there's just something awesome about a new toothbrush. i tossed out the old one with frayed bristles and worn handle. i hated to see it go -- i've had it since summer. and also with my new toothbrush, i have gotten out my old sweaters. a gray-sky-new-toothbrush-old-sweater day -- with a smile on my face!

even on gray days...

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

number 10 "bicycle"

tonight the sky was powdered milk -- and today, a fuzzy lined kind of day. everything was gray, even my heart. he's away, again. next to lake michigan.
i'm here.

i like his freckled cheeks and his morning time eyes. he tells me i'm a pretty girl.

we had four hooded-sweatshirt nights, four under-the-covers nights, four dirty-socked feet nights.. we had a plethora of red leaves and rain, a little cousin weekend, a laundry weekend... we had each other -- and autumn all to ourselves. and at night time, we had a smeared sliver of a moon -- accompanied by our small cloud breaths whenever we spoke...

he is who makes me better -

we drove today -- somber and tired, during the fuzzy-lined, gray day. and listened to rosie thomas as our hearts beat slower than usual --
my heart is beating slower than usual -- and rosie thomas is softly playing from the radio to my left. he's not here to turn it up when it gets to number 10.
he's just not here -- and i am. that's where i stagger -- during this powdered milk night -- absent from his warmth.

Monday, October 18, 2004


i woke up this morning -- i made a mess of my covers last night. that's what i tend to do when i'm home. in my own bed. i find that my legs and clothes are half entagled with my huge comfy velor blanket -- it's nice. it's one of those things that make me love living -- waking up at home after eight or nine hours of sleep woven, one in the same, with my pink girly covers.
so, i woke up this morning, and just out of habit, looked out my window. i love this window. it's big and facing my great grandpa's beautiful brick home. this summer, andy and i turned out all the lights and watched thunder storms out this window. anyways, i look out my favorite window and i see g'pa's trees ablaze with an intense orange against a seamless blue sky. my heart may have swelled with excitement. i don't remember, i turned around and slept about 15 minutes more.
now, i have two of my favorite people in the room directly to the north of me (behind me, in my living room) and the sounds of a free HBO weekend seep through the walls. roger, my oldest brother (who is younger) is visiting... he's actually sleeping right now and andy, who is laughing at some tom hanks movie. today, i've been able to breathe -- and so right now i'm exhaling. and soon, after the excitment of wal-mart and pumpkin shopping, card games and late night breakfast, i will retire to my bed -- and start the bliss of fall break all over again. sleep. in my own bed. with my favorite window right next to me.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

academic quota

my pink pillow case is stained with a diluted form of my mascara. i cried over homework. ridiculous. stress, my gravity, has been, not only holding me to earth, but ramming my face into metaphorical metal spikes around campus. i didn't notice the vivid trees, i didn't take note of the sprinkling rain and the opus it perfomed, i was concentrating on meetings and papers and presentations...(and this poison i bought from the local potion store...) no inspiration is welling in my soul tonight. i can just easily breath because two of my three papers are done for this week -- and i have tomorrow night to work on my conceptualization research paper. forget the physics test i should study for, there always has to be casualites when it comes to war, and physics is my infantry. i'm losing myself slowly, falling apart and pieces are getting lost between the letters on the keyboard and tomorrow i am going to explode my guts everywhere.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

fox and hound

heather said she'd be a fox for the night if she had to choose -- i said i'd be a dog. there's something appealing about howling in an october night. except dogs can't pick their noses, and i have grown quite fond of that habit (vice), but i suppose i could refrain for just one night -- and i'd howl my ass off.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

movement, but slight.

it was a cloud-talk kind of day. delicate whipsers of white were strewn across the sky around dinner -- i liked looking, i liked thinking. i maybe made mention to anna, and she replied, but only in passing. they weren't there long,... only in passing.
about 160ish miles away, my heart sits, unannounced and quiet. here, right now, i sit unannounced and quiet -- the only noises i emit are the hushed tip-type of the keyboard and damien jurado might be leaking from my headphones -- but other than that...
other then that, here i sit....
today was a cloud-talk kind of day, but right now, i'm fading away in the night and being blown by the breeze that is making the blinds sway ever so gently...

maybe i don't want to wither -- but then, maybe i'm asking for it

today he was alone -- today i wasn't, but it still felt like it...
today, he told me he can't wait to get autumn and me all to himself... so, maybe i won't wither, not yet

Sunday, October 10, 2004


i am a gap toothed girl.

somehow, coming out of the bathroom late last night, i was nicknamed Frodo. between the blasting air conditioner and their barely audible, late night giggley comments and getting mashed with the remote controller, i managed to have your run of the mill hotel night.
i love hotel showers, mostly. steamy sauna bathroom mirror, red faced and satisfied. he loves cold hotel rooms, mostly. (funny, huh?)
the city, i must admit, was a bit enchanting yesterday afternoon... but again, cursed this evening. fortunately, tonight i still seem quite chipper. the drive wasn't lonely. aaron was with me - and so it is, this evening, i didn't cry lonesome tears... in aaron's awkward way, he slightly bandaged my wounded heart... something about those senter boys... something about the oldest of the two in autumn air.
with tired feet, we combed the city... and at train stops, when no one was looking, i breathed in, possibly as deep as i could, the smell from his shirt... he wore his gray hoodie. i wore my blue hoodie.

i am a gap toothed girl... and he makes me smile.

Saturday, October 09, 2004


chicago - with all her little surprises... effortlessly blue skies broken by the buildings that gleam with evening sun. a deep breath different -- jacketed arms and cold fingers touching...
chicago tomorrow... break my spirit, again

Friday, October 08, 2004

just in case

today. the breeze seems out of place. the trees don't seem to fit as trees, just globs of color and i seem (feel or seem, don't really know yet) different... and a negative different. not a deep breath different, a nearly sorrowful and long sigh different. bad in and of itself, today. maybe period. maybe fatigue.
the only splinter of hope is lost in a hay stack city -- i'm hurrying to you.
i'm hurrying -

grassy suicidal heaven

there's this field... and it's vividly green. flimsy petal poppies littering the heres and theres of the ins and outs. no rocks, maybe just around the gate that leads into this field. the gate, (beautiful thing, really) is rusted just around the hinges. visitors aren't that frequent, so the grass has grown over the once worn path. there's this chain that hangs loosely on the latch, and she clinks and clanks and sings everytime the wind blows. i'm going to this field tomorrow around 1 oclock after i murder myself. research test.
though, after, i get to see andy. aaron and i are going up to chicago to meet their parents for a nice leisurely weekend. and being that i'm not in a poetic typing mood... i must update after the visit. then, more than likely, i'll be sad again. i write the best when i'm sad.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

denison witmer night

today was a barefoot day. and i decided to soak up the dying summer through the soles of my feet... a warm-side-walk kind of day. it was nice. a leaf fell as i walked to work early evening, stem first. he twisted and fluttered down to the already heavily leafed ground. the strange thing about this leaf -- i saw it fall. i watched his semi-graceful semi-awkward plunge; in one instant i felt my heart smile and become heavy with his grief. i don't know why i do that -- personify objects and then empathize, but i do. i suppose that's one of my vices.
the apocalyptic red tree across the lake is becoming vividly crimson with every fleeting moment of the summer sun. the trees next to him are experiencing a metamorphosis to pale yellows and oranges, so the blaringly red leaves are beautifully obvious... i like it. it's one of those things that make me love living -- that tree in all his red glory.
i like warm-side-walk days, and g'ma myers' blankets, i like andy's feet under those blankets, and holding his hand when we're cold.
it's a denison witmer night -- a poetic ending to a barefoot day.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

traces of blues

tonight was the first night that my bones ached from the cold -- tonight was the first night that my heart lay bleeding and freezing on the night-time ground. i didn't cry. i did nothing instead. i wanted to get in my car and follow the low set marigold moon to chicago. i did nothing instead. it's one of those under-the-covers nights, one of those drippy-noses nights, i like him under the covers.
chicago seems so forlorn, he is the only shred of humanity that ties that city to the earth... but, not close enough on this earth.
today was bland, routine. the sky decided to be spunky with her clouds, then, she became tired, drizzled to a faultless blue as evening came. as the day wore on, i, too, became tired, drizzled down to a grayish blue...
i sigh alone.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

train, blocks away...

the window is open - and the slight breeze tickles the hair on my arms. i am alone. cars keep buzzing by and the sound of voices carry up from the valley ball game across the street. the sky is peculiar - not as brilliant as evenings past, but nonetheless beautiful in it's calmness - everything outside has a dingy glow. the 630 bell has just chimed and i am still alone -- still sad.
he left me about 3 hours ago. the walkmen on the radio, his hand out the window and my heart trailing after him. he has this way about him - that i desire to be near. i count down the days. i tend to lean towards my weakness while he's gone. he energizes me by simply making me smile. but, in my pathetic state, i am not smiling now and the world goes by outside this window. he's driving further and further away, he's somewhere on 94 listening to music, i'm here (the constant) listening to the noises as the sky falls into darkness. i type, he drives, a train flies by a few blocks away...the sound waves travel to me

Saturday, October 02, 2004

montana smith

it's been a full day since anna has been in alpha chi, nine days since lynsi aced a religion's exam, three days since heather visited the junkyard for her sculpture class (she scored some awesome metal scrapes, she said "if clouds were metal, these would be them") , an hour and half since nicole has been in utter bliss (sean came up) and just a few minutes ago since i last saw andy.... and it's one of those lazy saturdays. the ones when just sitting around makes the heart happy. currently, i am tip-typing on anna's new mac, heather is shuffling poker chips on anna's desk, lynsi is finishing spanish homework and anna is reading for her world masterpieces class. andy is over in aaron's room waiting for open dorms... i like when he's here. i feel at home at home. earlier, he and i were in the library -- just searching around the world. but now, magnetic fields is daintily playing from this computer... and i'm okay. with pretty much everything. my melancholy moods have been swept away by autumn winds... at least for the weekend.

Friday, October 01, 2004

slightly changing

i'm pretty excited. the trees around campus are tinting their leaves and everything has become just a little more brisk. days like this.
anna is being inducted into ALPHA CHI as i type. we all give her a real hard time about being incredibly brilliant, but none of us mean it. deep down i think we all wish we were as intelligent as her. the thing about her, though, is NOT just that she's smart, she's everything. sounds like i have an elementary crush - and maybe i do. but she's SO pretty, and she balances both her majors (Philosophy, English) with the utmost grace all the while still being such a good friend to all of us. that's crazy. so, yeah, i'm real jealous. that however, is not the reason i didn't attend the induction. honestly.
i'm going to get clean now. i have a lunch date with 'em in about 40 mins. then i go to class, then andy comes. he'll be here around 230. this weekend's going to be good. i love the weather, the leaves, my friends... and andy... all these things with a sense of excited anxiousness... like, i can't wait to see what happens . like, it's one of those excited days, one of those days that i can tell, no matter the circumstances, that somehow, along with everything and everyone else, i am slightly changing....