drops of thoughts...

Friday, October 22, 2004

and then the night no one liked...

there are few important things in life. tonight i discovered another. driving fast in my car under a lonesome sky -- i get burdened with the perceived importance of so many things.

i almost feel like most of my life has been a pretense. what is real and who am i really? am i a bundle of social restraints and influences? probably. curious as to if i really love people. im a collection of flesh, blood, bones and disappointments -- self justified, self centered and down right pompous. not big hooped earrings and pointy toed, high heeled boots -- but who's to say i'm better? me, i guess. i'm self appointed. i'm a salvation army sweater wearing bigot. a chauvinist of sorts. you can't really love people without loving everyone -- yes, erica, even those girls you sometimes hate. (that's right,i said hate) and those football playing jerks who hog the entire campus walkway... and so they don't sift into my form of a "real" person -- but here i am. plain and simple. never have i been better then the worst of us. but i serve myself up as some sort of saint. what the hell kind of thing is that to do?

there are few important things in life. and i usually rush past most of them. by accident, i stumble across the serenity of knowing what IS the point of living -- but then, i mostly do that out of selfish motives. my life is a pile of cognitive discord that i somehow mask with my awesome ability to justify. how is this? i don't know. my motives are tainted, my life is not even real, and everything i have is not mine -- but my gait suggests accomplished -- that's bullshit, really. accomplished as in good grades? accomplished as in product of broken home and still standing? accomplished as in the right number of friends? accomplished as in my major being so humble... accomplished as in a "christian lifestyle with good values"? i don't even know what accomplished means -- it isn't one of those important things... being accomplished. what is that anyways? and i don't even know if i have values and frankly, my definition of being a christian is vague anyways. the point of my life is to love people, and i'm doing a great job in fucking that one up. oh geez, i just cursed in the sentence trying to explain my christianity -- that has to be some sort of heresy -- we should consult the board of trustees.

and so at 218 am, i think about my life -- and how i don't even know who i am. i know i'm trying -- trying to love and not be selfish -- trying to focus on others... i don't know if it's working. i have andy. our hearts help each other -- and that's one of those important things.... i'm not feeling good. i hate introspection -- this is what i come up with.

give me an open road, my car and a lonesome night -- selfless love. let me figure this one out. in the mean time, i'll do the humanity thing.

(okay, so maybe i'm a little mad - sorry about the f word earlier...
and i honestly try...)

2 Comments:

At 9:26 AM, Blogger Evan said...

Hon, don't be so down on yourself and despondent. You've a (hopefully) long life ahead of you--no need to have everything, including yourself, all figured out by now. I always found that everything I needed to know about myself came when I was both least introspective and most in need of knowing. I make no sense...

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger erica*ann said...

thanks... i do feel better today. it must have been the coffee last night -- either that or how badly i burnt my tongue. seriously, thanks for your words. this is just how i am, i try to figure myself out all at once.. and then i end up hating.. like, everything. everyone has days like that, at least i hope so :)

 

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