midol days

green wreath tinsel, tangled up with white, ice lights --
interwoven with the stair case banister.

christmas is here -- and so far, i'm seeing everything through tear-tired eyes and sweat pants.




this weekend happens to be my only salvation -- this week is hell on wheels.
all that except the wheels part.

rations of food

it's probably no big secret that i'm a christian. the next question that usually follows is "what kind of Christian are you, erica?" and i guess, if we put it like that -- maybe it is a huge misunderstanding. because i'm not really that sure i am any sort of christian. i'm just here. i'm a cursing christian. watch this:
damn it.
i am a i-don't-think-the-left-behind-series-is-cool christian. i am someone who, unless i was forced by my ultra FCAish friends, never listened to that new wave of christian music. (not that anything is wrong with that. it's just not for me) i am a I WILL NEVER SEE THE PASSION OF CHRIST kind of christian, a chronicles of narnia, harry potter and john irving kind of christian -- a struggling kind of girl... and not like, "oh -- bobby is dating sarah and she totally shops at abercrombie" struggle (well, maybe sometimes...) i'm a doubtful, grievous, smash my head in the wall struggler. i cry (not just at emotionalful praise and worship bashes!) leuing preaches to me, zora neale hurston speaks jesus talk to me. and so does jesus, but i guess it just doesn't come easy to me.

all that to say a few things... and first as a disclaimer: it is okay if you think the left behind series is cool, or you love the passion of christ -- however, it is NOT okay if you dislike harry potter. seriously. i mean, you can dislike it because of story elements..... sorta'.... but not because he's a wizard. come on. i've got major bones to pick with people who use that as some sort of footing for a real lame argument... okay... now my things to say

as a "christian", i take communion -- where there is grape juice and awesome, crazy little puffy crackers to symbolize the this and thats of jesus. and, after a massive communion service at my school today, i wonder how it is that people just stroll up, take crackers and juice, go and sit and that was that. it is a major event in my life -- which usually means, i just don't do it or feel utterly uncomfortable -- because i know i sin so sickeningly and usually, let's be honest, i just don't care. i can not mock jesus... i think i'm better at so and so because i'm hip to public events, or because i'm a sociology major or my boyfriend was a bible major... what the hell does any of that mean??

with my utmost, i try to love jesus (the definition is then, loving people)- which, then feeds my crazy love for people (the sketchy definition is then, loving jesus) which then feeds my crazy love for jesus -- but sometimes. and only sometimes. i mean, not really. there's always this love -- but i want love to its fullest.. this is how i want to live because personally, that is how i have interpreted life -- but then, here i am burdened with so many filthy messes that i can't even keep my eyes open. and i'm nothing really. my messes are nothing like real-life messes. but then there's love anyways.
love and doubt, but doubt first then love, usually.. maybe love and doubt together...


oh and p.s. i'm not trying to get all religious.. my mind is just going crazy. and sorry if this doesn't make sense
oh and p.s. again... love people, you know? that's what living means.

oh la oh la ay

there are many things i happen to be thankful for -- even when it's not thanksgiving. certain things that make me love living....

tonight -- i love tonight.

plug-in karaokee machine
colored christmas lights
sparkling cider (very very very alcoholic wine)

the people with whom i share all my secrets...



p.s.
rhythm is a creation...

i know that now.

first kiss

another tired eye drive toward huntington --

my heart breaks with every mile marker...

"one full day"

more like, one full year.

i'm working.

YELLOW You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

portrait of the queen

---"sometimes [she]just doesn't have a heart" "she's still going to be there" "go out and change the world, go out and love people"---

i am a fun-dip kind of girl --
i like sunshine -- i really do.

before everything changed, i loved to blow bubbles on my dad's front porch. i wondered who envied me because i was carelessly blowing bubbles into the atmosphere.. cars rushed past, and there i sat, either on the cement stairs or the swing...

i remember the very first time i realized that some people were just mean -- i don't remember who it was (i mean,i kind of do - but not really) and i remember feeling.

my mom tells me that after the first day in preschool, when she came to pick me up, i was crying my eyes out and saying things like "i never want to go back..." she never made me. i love her for that.

sometimes i really miss how things were... bicycle days and unsolved mysteries... i'm thinking about being a kid -- i'm thinking how it was -- on a day where i feel less and less like innocence...

somethings we will never possess

talking trash under my window

there need to be more nights like this...
outside this window -- the night sky is an orange
a foggy night that soaks up the street lights.
it's still raining
i walked outside tonight...
the air smelled like my lake --
i dodged earth worms and let my hair get wet..
and maybe i was a tad bit louder than usual.
(but probably not)

tonight is an odd sort of night..
a let me get lost kind of night...

more things should be carried out with the lights off --
especially if it's raining.

drizzly nights.

there are these nights... when the best things are wet hair, glistening sweaters, and computer labs -- full of giggles and social activism.
seriously, though.

my lady is the sea

some more things about me:

* i truly believe that Piano Man by Billy Joel might be one of the best songs ever to be conceived -- i get one of those feelings every time i hear it... i can't put my finger on WHAT kind of feeling, but it's there.. "they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone." cheers to that!

* i bought 5 two liters for 3 dollars tonight. cherry cola, 2 cream sodas, a grape and a diet cola -- i kept the cherry and cream soda -- and gave the other three away.

* i am a compulsive sweat pants wearer.

* i love days like today. i rummaged through old cds and to my surprise, i started dancing all alone in my room. i look funny when i dance -- but not when i'm the only one around. you see, i'm clumbsy. on top of that, i'm awkward -- it was a sing-out-loud kind of day.. real loud.

funny how today should be so grand -- the clouds weren't extraordinary -- they were rumbles and tumbles of cotton log clouds -- but nothing spectacular. no one said anything that made me think, "hmm, i am glad i'm alive".
but today -- i am glad i'm living...
and the last thing i can say --
cheers to that!

no sadness, no sorrow

for about two hours straight i have listened to selected gospel/folk songs sang by anne murray. and i have decided: there will be old hymns somewhere in my wedding. i don't know how they can fit in -- nor do i know if this is okay with andy... but being the bride-to-be, i believe my say counts as two in a majority wins vote.

today was good. odd how i have had 2 wonderful days right in a row. this has to be a record.

there will be peace in the valley for me someday, she sings.
me, too, anne... me, too.

amelie kind of smile

the clouds were tossed about today, in a happy sort of way.
the sky was seamlessly blue -- and every now and then, rainbow patches would tear through ... and leave tiny traces of vividly pleasant colors.
and just for our pleasure, hot air balloons floated, oblivious (even just for a few minutes) to gravity.
it was a creamy-sweater day -- a soft, i-feel-like-a-girl day. the hours (not the sweater) were cashmere.

heather and i went to my house this weekend. fun was had and nearly 8 loads of laundry got done...
i see andy in just 4 whole days

and all this topped with the most riveting shooting star i have ever seen -- just minutes ago, with nicole.

sometimes, days are good

rich, white, heterosexual males

things should be much simpler.

an argument between an education major and i (sociology major) broke out tonight in my social problems class. it was mainly about capitalism and competetive natures within the educational system -- and how that directly was depleting funds and, essentially hope, for the poorer school districts. here is the odd thing: we were both on the same side. however, a little selfishness crept in the conversation and she thought i was ragging on education majors. (i wasn't.) she thought that when i said, in general (i emphasize,in general) people go to college to get degrees to go to suburbia, usa to get good teaching jobs to make money to pay the bills and live the (lame) American dream. and, in general, that is the case. she got defensive -- attacked me personally (i emphasize personally) and told me i had no right to judge (which i don't and i wasn't) and i should examine my own life and see how i can help. whoa is right. i looked this red-faced girl in her eyes from across the class room, because yes, she did call me out in front of everyone, and quite calmly stated that i was speaking in generals, sorry if i offended her, and if she was not talking with generalizations -- she has no right to examine my heart publically because she has no idea what sort of torment i go through trying to find ways to help people.
the room fell silent.
someone, from the back row, piped up and said that if we level the educational playing field, that'd be like Nazi Germany (so NOW i'm compared to hitler) and another person spoke up and voiced the concern of mediocrity.
let's talk about the brink of tears -- i was there.
the imaginary boot straps the affluent love to talk about really aren't there at all. it is not possible to break the cycle of poverty. it is not possible to break the cycle of poverty without help. and if the country's make-shift Hiltons think the other society can do it without help -- they are way wrong. the poor don't even have boots let alone boots with straps...
i am the ONLY conflict theoriest in there.
(i thought i should point that out)
i was a lone flicker of light on a windy hill.

so many people have jesus way wrong.

rich, white, heterosexual males and their kids. let's give them the praise.


ps. fallujah, my heart breaks for you and Palestine, for you - with you, i weep.

looks like rain

same shirt, different day -- a take-'er-as-she-comes day... nothing great, nothing bad, nothing beautiful -- just plain nothing, sun rises, sun sets, life is moving on kind of day.
sometimes i wonder...

yasser arafat is dead.
and i am here -- one gazillion miles away from palestine..
i wonder how close i am to dead.

i hate being alone. there is, of course, one exception. i write alone (usually).

and what if i was a pile of dirt? what if my molecules formed a stone rather than a little body with moles and blonde hair?

in that case, everyday would be a take-'er-as-she-comes day... nothing great, nothing bad, nothing beautiful -- just plain nothing, sun rises, sun sets, life is moving on kind of day.

i hurt.
most of the time.
but i'm thankful for that...
for feeling.

so, here's to the stones and all my tiny blonde hairs that litter my arm... thanks for being

stop over-reacting

my new blue shirt has a tag that says "charolette"
i have worn it two days in a row
my plan is to wear it tomorrow.

i smiled quite a bit today -- uncharacteristic on a nose-bleed day.

reasons why i smiled:
1) physics lab. i (and my friend matt) created fire with steel wool and batteries.
2) i almost fell down the stairs in our science building (let some curses slip with a respected faculty right behind me)
3) andy made me legitmately laugh on the phone tonight -- good phone conversations are a refreshing reminder...
4) my new scarf -- knitted with extra love
5) roommates are wonderful

today, my measly conclusion is that i struggle... but it makes me come alive. i doubt but it fans my belief.

(this optimism is unwarranted, i know...
but such is life.)

i like walking outside on nights like this --
taking deep breaths and filling me with cold.

the stars shine tonight -- as does my heart.
* i miss you *

happy meal mixture

yesterday, right before all the light vanished, the sky matched lake michigan --
friday night, a lemon moon hung softly over the city -- it reminded me of this one time...
we rode the train -- shifting.. and laughing...
the aisle, flanked by teenage girls in tight shirts
almost curfew in the suburbs...

this weekend -- slumber-party nights
yesterday, liquid-sky
today was a sunday-afternoon-nap day... with him
and friday seems so long ago..

one more weekend in and then out of the city.

the two of us
and our friends...

the drive home made me miss him --
the entire sky was a mosaic of pinks and oranges -- the left over light blanketed the gas station with a hint of pink... made my heart flutter...

heather agreed.

soccer coach.

lately, brown sweater days and machete dreams...
overcast moods..
overcast days..
and florescent light head aches

and why would any one ever say
"the future is here"