rations of food

it's probably no big secret that i'm a christian. the next question that usually follows is "what kind of Christian are you, erica?" and i guess, if we put it like that -- maybe it is a huge misunderstanding. because i'm not really that sure i am any sort of christian. i'm just here. i'm a cursing christian. watch this:
damn it.
i am a i-don't-think-the-left-behind-series-is-cool christian. i am someone who, unless i was forced by my ultra FCAish friends, never listened to that new wave of christian music. (not that anything is wrong with that. it's just not for me) i am a I WILL NEVER SEE THE PASSION OF CHRIST kind of christian, a chronicles of narnia, harry potter and john irving kind of christian -- a struggling kind of girl... and not like, "oh -- bobby is dating sarah and she totally shops at abercrombie" struggle (well, maybe sometimes...) i'm a doubtful, grievous, smash my head in the wall struggler. i cry (not just at emotionalful praise and worship bashes!) leuing preaches to me, zora neale hurston speaks jesus talk to me. and so does jesus, but i guess it just doesn't come easy to me.

all that to say a few things... and first as a disclaimer: it is okay if you think the left behind series is cool, or you love the passion of christ -- however, it is NOT okay if you dislike harry potter. seriously. i mean, you can dislike it because of story elements..... sorta'.... but not because he's a wizard. come on. i've got major bones to pick with people who use that as some sort of footing for a real lame argument... okay... now my things to say

as a "christian", i take communion -- where there is grape juice and awesome, crazy little puffy crackers to symbolize the this and thats of jesus. and, after a massive communion service at my school today, i wonder how it is that people just stroll up, take crackers and juice, go and sit and that was that. it is a major event in my life -- which usually means, i just don't do it or feel utterly uncomfortable -- because i know i sin so sickeningly and usually, let's be honest, i just don't care. i can not mock jesus... i think i'm better at so and so because i'm hip to public events, or because i'm a sociology major or my boyfriend was a bible major... what the hell does any of that mean??

with my utmost, i try to love jesus (the definition is then, loving people)- which, then feeds my crazy love for people (the sketchy definition is then, loving jesus) which then feeds my crazy love for jesus -- but sometimes. and only sometimes. i mean, not really. there's always this love -- but i want love to its fullest.. this is how i want to live because personally, that is how i have interpreted life -- but then, here i am burdened with so many filthy messes that i can't even keep my eyes open. and i'm nothing really. my messes are nothing like real-life messes. but then there's love anyways.
love and doubt, but doubt first then love, usually.. maybe love and doubt together...


oh and p.s. i'm not trying to get all religious.. my mind is just going crazy. and sorry if this doesn't make sense
oh and p.s. again... love people, you know? that's what living means.