me... on a good day. 

scintillating opus

today was the first cold rain. autumn is starting. which, mostly, i am ecstatic about. October is my favorite month. during octobers i stuff myself full of apples of all sorts (cinnamon, baked, raw, cider et cetera), i can't get enough of pumpkins and golden corn stalks, and the leaves! be still, my beating heart. we have this tree on campus, right across the lake. it turns incredibly red. think of something red, and then think 3x as much, that's this tree. one day, a few late septembers ago, backwhen andy and i didn't hold hands... we were walking down our main stretch of campus and he mentioned loving this one tree. and of course, i knew which it was (if people on campus talk about A tree, they talk about this one)... he impressed me with his description -- he called it apocalyptic red. and so now, that's what i say.
but, when i'm not mostly ecstatic - i'm real sad. despite the corn mazes and hot cider, somedays i just feel like staying in bed and letting the clouds roll on without my seeing them. it turns out, that even when i have these days, i never can act on my feelings. i get up, the clouds go on, the leaves fall and in the midst of the world changing, my mind is sighing. today, fortunately, wasn't a pish posh of depression. i, actually, was in a chipper mood until around 9pm. i set apart a certain amount of homework i wanted to accomplish today, and i failed. it's not JUST that i failed... i honestly and deliberately worked hard all day on this pile of crap, and i'm not where i wanted to be -- which then, sets me behind. and that, let me tell ya', pisses me off. my first semi-autumn night, then, is rubbish. which gets the ball rolling for bad news when i talk to andy -- sometimes i am unbearable. he loves despite of my gray disposition, and for that (for him) i am extravagantly grateful. i get on kicks -- and being my "one or the other" self, i have to be either real sad or real happy. tonight, you guessed it, was real sad. he puts up with me when even i can't. that's something to cheer about.

after all the fussing

turns out, after extensively taking many upon many personality tests, that somehow i am a mix between dependent and aggressive, anxious and passive, but a theme that held constant: i am intense in my sexuality. good news, huh? go here. and have fun.
today, i haven't felt like doing anything and so, as a direct result, i haven't. i have piles of biblical archeaology homework to finish -- don't worry, haven't done it. about 100 pages to read in research -- not thinking about it. (and the list goes on) instead, i play football and get farther along in my book (not homework books, either). i don't really want to do school right now. i hate it when these weeks just pop up, usually they are on the busiest days.... i must have some sort of welcome sign for deviant homework spirits to enter my body and bargain with my brain. "don't do the assigned reading!" they say... "play with personality tests or write andy a note," they continue.... and you know, after all the fussing -- i throw my hands up in defeat. welcome to my world.

rockhoppers and sand cats

as promised, this past weekend was wonderful. it's so good to be at home with someone -- even if i'm 3.5 hours away from the place i live. two weeks is too long, but i can't even begin to describe the way he looked when i got out of my car from a crazy, white knuckled journey from here to there. surreal on so many levels. so, friday night was unspeakably insanely amazing. we did nothing. we ate hot dogs (i had mine with a slice of cheese) and watched an X-file. saturday, we slumbered soundly until 2 minutes til 12. pretty late, but all still so amazing. and after all the morning pish posh, andy and i went to lincoln park zoo. free. a free freaking zoo in the middle of an awesome city, smack dab in the most calendar-esque day thus far in early autumn. this zoo isn't like other zoos either, if i do say so myself. they had animals there that i have never even thought could exist, let alone DO exist. andy's favorite was the sand cat. cute cute cute little kitty's with big furry coats to protect against the desert and smushed faces and big ears. the exhibit that stole my heart, however, was the arctic house. penguins. we watched the little torpedos do their gally-vanting in and out of the water. he and i spent a good 2.5-3hrs there and proceeded to a little place in evanston, with jake, recommended by jake, called Dave's Italian Kitchen... SO GOOD. lasagna con amore. try it.
after we get home and all settles, it hits me. leaving. i hate that more than anything fathomable. he and i stayed up late -- resting in the comfortable presence of the other... and then crying. somewhere between the penguins and the last, late evening, when i cried and he cried and together we wept -- somewhere in that vicinity -- i have never loved more. that's what i like about him, about this thing we're in together... when i least expect it, i realize that i would be miserable without this other person -- that although i think i love him so much, days like saturday make me aware that it grows always.. never stagnant. and so, after we moved the futon mattress to the floor, we just were next to one another -- him and me. the hustle and bustle never ceased out his window. the orange streetlight somehow peered in through the blinds making a giant 4 on the opposite wall... voices bounced off buildings... and there he and i were, in chicago, but JUST with the other.

fire hot or mild - firey hot model.

today, after 2pm, i will be on the road to chicago. with every passing minute my excitement level heightens -- no kidding. but, really, back to the reason i'm up so early: i have a test to take before 9am. except, my professor isn't in her office -- thus i was forced to a computer lab. not a big deal, i say as the information is leaking out of my ears and into oblivion. it doesn't really help that i'm extra tired. a) i never, hardly EVER get up this early. in my college career (since sophomore year) i have gotten up before 8 only a handful of times... and b) i stayed up ridiculously late last night having a really really good time. i had class until 9pm, i worked from 10-11, then anna, lynsi, heather and i went to wal-mart about 25 minutes away. doesn't sound like too much fun, but with those girls -- shoveling crap would be a blast. after getting the merch i needed, we stopped at taco bell, well, because it was nearly 1230am and we were hungry... why else. and the most absurd thing happened.. absurd but cool that is... we got 4 extra tacos. FOUR. we got our whole order, everything was in there, and FOUR EXTRA TACOS. we didn't know this til we were about 20 seconds away and i was like, WHAT? so, to say the least, we ate to our fill. let me tell you, last night was a good night to be alive. and now in just a few short moments, i'm going to be taking a test, wishing i was eating some tacos.. maybe not tacos, but definately doing something other than regurgitating this information i barely know. after the exam, however, the count down is on. i get to see andy tonight -- and that's a whole other reason i cherish life. wow, this weekend's going to be good.

we're a beer commerical waiting to happen

so, i'm sitting down and having a snack before work tonight with heather... she and i now work together in the library at the same time on tuesdays -- okay, so we're in a common lounge-ish area type place for food and tv. and right in front of us is, brace yourself now, the season premier of ONE TREE HILL! seriously. i suppose maybe it's my outlook on certain things, but i just didn't think that shows like this would actually still be in existence. i thought maybe that lame phase died out with Melrose Place or... 90210. guess i was mistaken. don't get me wrong, i liked 90210, but i was 12. i didn't know better. these people watching the show (heather and i included) are college students -- i am pretty sure the girl next to us was irritated with our poking-funs and jestings -- we just couldn't help ourselves. at one point, this bubbly brunette was convincing an apparently troubled blonde to just go out and have fun on this awesome YACHT... she said, "look at this, look at us, we're a beer commerical waiting to happen!" i swear, and when i swear, i swear by the moon and the stars in the sky, that if ANY of my friends said something like that to me with any sort of sincerity-- blood would be shed. seriously.
so, it's approaching 2am and i am just now starting to wind down. i have been hyper actively going through my day -- which is good since today was a spill over from yesterday on the busy-ness scale. i, however, shall let everyone know -- i got everything that needed to be done completed... i, of course, did that so the next time ONE TREE HILL is on, i'll be able to watch it without interruptions. okay, like what-evER!

2 kids on a couch

another week has started. this is, or was a few hours ago, monday -- and i already fell like i could violently and repeatedly stab someone or something until i ran out of breath. yeah, i'm pretty busy. and busy days seem to fall on melancholy days, reinforcing the idea that doing stuff is lame. i woke up yesterday morning with an eerie feeling that i was forgetting something - and not just something like "i forgot to feed my fish" something... i had suspicions that whatever i was ambiguously anxious about was big. never really placed it, so i dismissed it. until i woke up this morning the exact same way. i'm having a harder time just forgetting about it. if i'm honest, though, i'm having a harder time with just about everything. except with nicole. i like her. she lives two doors to my left (if one is looking straight on to my door)... she randomly gives herself nicknames. zizou (zee-zoo) is the newest one. after the french soccer player, of course. she works at a local boys and girls club - i'm convinced she's going to be the mom on the block all the kids are in love with, but at the same time are a little scared of. so, she comes home from work with wonderful stories that set some moments ablaze with laughter -- other times, her stories are L O N G, but that just adds to the greatness. you know how it is when sometimes things that would ordinarily cause you to go batty with strangers just emphasize personalities that you love with close friends? i love this about her. about all my friends really. maybe one day all of our little quirks will cause everyone else to go insane, but we'll still be there -- laughing pretty hard. because that's what we do most of the time -- we laugh. and the fact that everyone else will just be utterly annoyed will just enhance the funny-ness. hopefully that'll happen. the more i think about the more i feel like that's probably a great idea.
i miss andy, though. i miss his nose. his nose, from underneath, (because that's where i am since i'm only a short thing, under his nose,) is shaped like a spade. it's nice. he can stick a quarter in his nostril - long ways. and when he sings, he flares his nostrils - reminds me of a bird somehow.... not his nose, just the flaring. like, he's about to embark in flight (but only it's song). i like him -- i remember the day i decided to love him, his nose was frozen with snot. i wasn't sad that day.

mike lewis and that followeth

the weather was pleasant today -- and strangely enough, it matched my disposition. the sunshine inspired me and my dear heather to have many adventures in down town ft. wayne... and through this, i indirectly met a 40 year old man named Mike Lewis. sort of met, but more, went swimming in his past. we were sifting through old post cards, some used some not, in this extra awesome antique store. while doing this, heather discovered a post card from Haiti... heather loves haiti, so she studied it more. and on the back, it was written to a Mike Lewis around 1983 from his g'ma and g'pa on his dad's side. we both thought that this whole concept of taking a slice of someone's history was rad. except, it gets way better... we kept finding them - to mike lewis from g'ma and g'pa. they spanned the decade of the 80's. from 1979 - 1990. all through this, we learned that he lived in cuyhago falls in ohio, then findley, ohio around 84. he enlisted in the army as a Private First Class in Oklahoma, married a Linda, lost his grandfather, and moved back to the same street he lived on in Findley when he was younger. we learned allof this through his sweet grandmother's writing, who was extremely fond of traveling the world... Haiti, canada, mississippi, florida et cetera... this might be the best thing that has happened to me for a while. i feel like some sort of detective, or a historian or both... it may not seem exciting, but i just keep thinking about this man, whomever he may be and the beautiful woman who was faithful in sending her grandson notes... i fell in love with these people...
so, besides my ever constant running nose and violent sneezing -- i can just sigh, take one of those deep "i'm not the only person in the world" breaths and think about the lives that run parallel to mine, but they live in a whole different zone... the zone that is their own lives... pretty crazy.

foe toes

today was one of those rub-your-eyes-red days. when the minute hand took his sweet time getting around the clock. when your heart can break with a quick glance days. today was one of those terrible awake, but terrible asleep days. there were mainly three breaks in the monotonous drain of my energy... i talked to andy twice -- and usually the sound of his voice makes my heart beat normally. so that was good. and heather and i ate food and watched Buffalo '66... and that was a good movie. refreshing to my mundane-ness of the day. i got to page 100 in White Noise by DeLilo -- all the while fighting down the urge to cut off my running nose. i'm sick. and sore. and just like me, i of course don't carry kleenex. so in the middle of my hardest class with my most intimidating professor -- my nose starts to drip. i awkwardly excuse myself from class -- more than slightly embarrassed -- go blow my nose. these things aren't all that bad, it was the coming back into the room that had me nervous. i find that it is so much easier leaving then it is entering. especially when i would rather take an ice pick and drain my idiotic nose with force.
i miss my boyfriend today, too -- pretty pathetically bad. cause as i have said before, i am a huge baby when i feel sick. he takes care of me, but not when he's in chicago. one and a half years ago, before i carved my sociology major into stone, i was focusing on english. ever since i could hold a pencil, i have been writing, in some form or another -- and reading just as much. i used to play with books like little girls would cherish their dolls. i remember building imaginary houses with all my story books and being content. weird, i know. okay, all that to say, i felt like english should have been my major -- turns out, i still love those things... just in my own time. anyways, back to the point of this story -- when i was still an english major, my american lit II calss had to read Stephen King's short story "the Body". turns out, i got deathly ill and as fate should have it, i already skipped many lit classes, so i had to go... sick as a dog. andy, fresh with love for me, invited me over, made me chicken noodle soup and read the entire story - out loud. this is why i depend on him when i'm sick -- because he lets me. oh, and he confiscates all the ice picks i have to my name.

that's not the question

i'm small. that's that. i just am. and along with that, i am easily amused. i especially like real corny (most of the 'people roll their eyes at these') jokes-- and when i laugh, usually i laugh loud. i don't do the "oh-haha, that was cute" it's either funny or not... it's usually never in the middle. with me, it's extremes. (operative word is 'usually'.. not always..) seriously. i mean... i have my mediocre days, don't get me wrong -- but when those come, i have my friends to even things out. everything with us is contagious.... and speaking of, i have a raw throat and gallons of gelatin flem, the bad news is - everyone else is sick or getting that way... anna and heather for sure -- but on to the good news -- i am a major baby when i don't feel well. anyone can contest. and so all this to say: i am one way OR i am the other. take parking lots for example -- this is where i am most callous. dirty glares galore... hilarious, i'm sorry, it really is.. and malls. i hate going to malls. mostly, i despise girls in clothes that cover only 1/8 of their flesh... so, if you're a scantily clothed girl driving in a mall parking lot, you watch out...
and now that you know this, please know that i have rubbed off on my sweet, red-headed roommate. heather. she's a self-proclaimed delicacy. very petite, of a pleasant dispostion, looks like a ballerina... frequently stays quiet more than she talks (unless in the haven of our home). and last weekend or the weekend before (i can't quite remember), she actually threatened a girl in our mall's food court. she told this high schooler that she'd beat her up. she gave heather a dirty look after bumping into her -- and heather threatened her. which is funny, but usually that's my part. but i'll gladly share it. and honestly, i don't know if either she or i would ever really truly punch someone's face, but i know we'd both like to. that's not the question here, the question is: how many people can we intimidate? two small girls with a cynical outlook. we're probably just a bunch of hot air.

"a bottle of gin is not like love"

it's 20 after midnight. and my throat hurts. but in the scheme of things, it's really not that bad. so, moving along, and tumbling right into girly-ness: i miss my boyfriend. i miss the way he can not keep his fingernails away from his teeth... and when we sit on the couch, watch x-files and eat ice cream - i guess i just miss the way he chomps the toffee bar right in my ear..( on accident of course...) the things that would drive me batty this summer, i desperately long for. i know i know.. the epitome of lame. and so, these things i miss -- and make me sad. what's appealing in a city filled with thousands of strangers -- when you've been settled in a heart for a year and a half? just things i have to deal with... and something i have been stuck on for a few days... what is all this about decisions? when is the time in life when we have to start making adult choices? and everything currently in our life is because of a string of choices that has led us to the point in which we stand. i hate this. it legitimately weirds me out. if any decision in my past had even the smallest deviation of variations -- everything i am, and believe, and everyone i love and surround myself with could be utterly different. but no. somehow,i made all the right decisions -- or wrong ones -- or a great big combination of both -- and here i am, sitting in front of a computer, slicing my stomach and spilling my guts. and really, quite simply, it's just me -- this girl -- in love with this boy. and i miss him. so, i thank -- and curse, but praise decisions with every short and long breath in this petite body of mine.

today, huh?

so, i guess i'm doing this because there is internal warfare in my body.. what can i say, i want to be cool... on so many levels. usually i don't care about the cool group -- it's way too over crowded... but, i feel like it is ever so rad, neverminding the essientials of coolness, to have an online journal. so, i just suppose that that side wins. and so here i am. today. working, nonetheless, in the library. cause, well, that's what i do. i work in my college library - as well as attend the college... as a senior sociology student. i guess, along with that, i should lay a few foundations, so if any one ever stumbles across this pathetic attempt, one would understand a little of the this and thats of my existence. i have a bright light (actually the brightest light) in my life... oh so cliche -- his name is andy. here recently, like, let's say 2 weeks ago he moved to chicago. surrendered me to stay in good ole' Indiana and fend for myself... for at least a year. i'm okay. and more specifically, i'm okay with that. it took me a while -- actually, i'm lying. i'm not really okay with that.. and in general, i'm not really okay with a lot of things. but oh well. life moves on. we're still together - and i don't see that ceasing in all honesty -- but it burdens my heart -- loneliness makes me heavy. but laying all that aside... i live with four girls whom i absolutely adore: heather (roommate), anna and lynsi (neighbors) and nicole (2 doors down)... frequently, i will speak of these spirits... kindly more often than not. i'm 21 and anxious... i have a million things i want to do and sixty thousand passions i'd be content to pursue -- but alas, i am here... waiting. i care about people... most of the time.. and the other 1/4 of the time, i mostly hate people. it's a nice little contradiction i pride myself with... many (many) things bug me... and mostly, this is what the blog will be about... so, if that doesn't interest you -- i'm sorry, but maybe you should read it anyways.... i'm mainly scattered but mostly structured in my chaos -- really, it all makes sense to ME.