drops of thoughts...

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

scintillating opus

today was the first cold rain. autumn is starting. which, mostly, i am ecstatic about. October is my favorite month. during octobers i stuff myself full of apples of all sorts (cinnamon, baked, raw, cider et cetera), i can't get enough of pumpkins and golden corn stalks, and the leaves! be still, my beating heart. we have this tree on campus, right across the lake. it turns incredibly red. think of something red, and then think 3x as much, that's this tree. one day, a few late septembers ago, backwhen andy and i didn't hold hands... we were walking down our main stretch of campus and he mentioned loving this one tree. and of course, i knew which it was (if people on campus talk about A tree, they talk about this one)... he impressed me with his description -- he called it apocalyptic red. and so now, that's what i say.
but, when i'm not mostly ecstatic - i'm real sad. despite the corn mazes and hot cider, somedays i just feel like staying in bed and letting the clouds roll on without my seeing them. it turns out, that even when i have these days, i never can act on my feelings. i get up, the clouds go on, the leaves fall and in the midst of the world changing, my mind is sighing. today, fortunately, wasn't a pish posh of depression. i, actually, was in a chipper mood until around 9pm. i set apart a certain amount of homework i wanted to accomplish today, and i failed. it's not JUST that i failed... i honestly and deliberately worked hard all day on this pile of crap, and i'm not where i wanted to be -- which then, sets me behind. and that, let me tell ya', pisses me off. my first semi-autumn night, then, is rubbish. which gets the ball rolling for bad news when i talk to andy -- sometimes i am unbearable. he loves despite of my gray disposition, and for that (for him) i am extravagantly grateful. i get on kicks -- and being my "one or the other" self, i have to be either real sad or real happy. tonight, you guessed it, was real sad. he puts up with me when even i can't. that's something to cheer about.


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