my karamazov

today happens to be five years and one day after the most tragic event in my life.

i'd like to tell you that yesterday i sat around and contemplated the evils of this world - suffering and human kind and how the two interact and dance so delicately together. i'd like to report that i prayed on my knees for strength because i could barely go on or that i called my loved ones because i was concerned about their wellbeing on this day that shaped and conformed and transformed and manipulated with vulnerability our lives forever five short years ago.. but i didn't. i did not do these things - or anything of the sort. the thought festered in the back of my mind for a long time, but other than shallow passerbys, the ideas did not boil into full blown REAL life, tangible, discussable thoughts. but today.

Alas! today... let's face it, i probably won't pray about it. and when i called my grandparents, we didn't talk about the pain that we evidentally all felt yesterday and every june 11 for the past half of a decade... we didn't do that. but we knew. the suffering is, at times, unspeakable, but ever so evident. we know this. we have this in common - -this one disaster. but hand in hand with every person who shares human hood, i have this in common. i hurt. it's just part of it... in varying degrees, it's just part of it.

one time i asked andy why shit like this goes down.... the me incident, the marcus incident, the iraq incident.. we both agreed that we didn't know and that we didn't think it was part of god's 'plan' -- and i understood.. as i still understand that it would be delightfully easy and plausible to believe that there is no god, no supreme being ((especially designed the way we (evangelicals) have fashioned him)) who is all good. i know. i never have held my dying mom's hand as she bled to death -- never have i. but knowing that an 11 year old boy had to makes me think -- yeah right there's a god. but then i remember - he isn't the way we think he is. if he was, we'd all be screwed.
so, there's that.